Douleur de mon Coeur
by ShadowFawkes
Summary: After Harry's fifth year, he is filled with much despair over the events that took place. Can Harry deal with the pain? R


Disclaimer: The song by Hilary Duff

i Let's go back  
Back to the beginning  
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect  
Trying to fit a square into a circle  
Was no lie  
I defy

Let the rain fall down  
And wake my dreams  
Let it wash away  
My sanity  
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder  
I wanna scream  
Let the rain fall down  
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean /i

I watch the rain falling outside my window, as though it was my heart falling to pieces. Each drop represents another piece breaking apart, never to be found again. I wonder if I will even have a heart anymore.

Silence surrounds me, in the dark pit that was once my life. What is there to live for anymore? I want to scream, I want to cry. Yet I know it will do no good. It will never bring anyone back.

Why did this have to happen to me? Did I deserve it? Maybe I did. Maybe Snape is right, that all I try to do is get attention; that I really am no more important than the next person in line.

i I'm shedding  
Shedding every color  
Trying to find a pigment of truth  
Beneath my skin

'Cause different  
Doesn't feel so different  
And going out is better  
Then always staying in  
Feel the wind /i 

Why do I have to be different? I don't want to be different. I want to be normal, to live my life the way I want to. I hate that others try to make decisions for my life. It's my life not theirs. I don't want to be their hero. It's not my war. I didn't start it.

Perhaps this is all a nightmare. That I will wake up and find Sirius and my parents looking down at me. Why can't this all just not be real? This is all just a dream, a horrible dream, which will never end.

Maybe I'm just trying too hard, to become something that I'm not. Well, what would I be in the first place; A savior...a killer? Am I destined to become the one thing I despise? How can Dumbledore expect me to kill? I will never be as strong as Voldemort or Dumbledore are. Perhaps it will not matter, with my heart etching away with the tide of hurt and betrayal.

Must I watch as those I love and care for are hurt or even killed before my eyes? First I had to watch as Voldermort killed Cedric as he stood next to me, just because he was an unexpected extra; then...Sirius. What can I say about him? He was the only family I have ever known and one of his own flesh and blood brought him down. I wish I could have saved him or at least got to see him one last time.

i Let the rain fall down  
And wake my dreams  
Let it wash away  
My sanity  
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder  
I wanna scream  
Let the rain fall down  
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

I'm coming clean  
Let the rain fall  
Let the rain fall  
I'm coming clean /i

What would I tell him if I ever got that chance? That I was sorry and it was entirely my fault. And that I loved him so much that I felt as though I was going to burst. He'd probably tell me I didn't know what I was talking about. That it wasn't my fault at all and not to blame myself for what had happened. I wonder if he would tell me again that I look so much like my father. He probably would and I would sit through it listening, just if I could see him again. I wish that I could only tell him everything.

But I can't. I can't tell Sirius how much I love him, Snape that he was right that my father had been arrogant towards him, or even Dumbledore that I really didn't blame him for what had happened and that I was sorry. What would be the point in trying anyway, when I know it would never happen?

What am I talking about? It is their fault. My life would be different now if wasn't for Dumbledore intruding on my life and trying to control my every move. I will never escape the life and destiny that he has set up for me.

i Let the rain fall down  
And wake my dreams  
Let it wash away  
My sanity  
'Cause I wanna feel the thunder  
I wanna scream  
Let the rain fall down  
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

Let's go back  
Back to the beginning /i 

I wish I was set free. I wish my life was easy. I want to have my own dreams for the future, for my future. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Even if we win this war, I will always be fighting within myself. I know that my life will never be the same. This will be my fate...a fate filled with sadness and pain.


End file.
